So Balls is a “long, slow burn” in the bedroom department. The man who would be Chancellor of the Exchequer, balancing the UK’s books, ramping up our borrowing on the international stage, addressing parliament twice a year for a couple of hours as he explains his plans for Britain’s economy and takes searching questions…is slow to what? Set fire to himself in bed? If only. No, the pretender to the most powerful cabinet post who should be one of the cleverest MPs in parliament, a genius with figures, is…slow to get an erection? Slow to have an orgasm? Takes a long time to become aroused? Does not get aroused at all? Is impotent? What on earth is this man trying to say and why on earth is he saying it at all? How can he possibly imagine that we could take him seriously again when he has attempted with a series of innuendo-laden euphemisms to establish his common touch, in every sense. As one Twitterati wrote beneath news of Balls’s proclivity to arson: “There’s not enough bleach to rid my mind of that thought”. I really, really don’t want to know how a wannabe Chancellor has sex any more than we want to know how our parents do it. The Queen, our parents and Cabinet members simply exist to do a job which needs to command respect – something needlessly negated when you are required to imagine them assuming absurd physical contortions, never mind that you already carry a name that elicits a pavlovian response every time you open your mouth. Balls finishes off his Mumsnet phone-in by inviting a caller who suggested he was 49-1/2 shades of grey to “fill in the other half.” If you thought the Pink Bus patronized women you must wonder why Balls seems to think they should be interested in his ability/inability to get an erection rather than in his economic program – but perhaps that’s actually the point. He doesn’t have either.