Cadbury wins it for Cameron

We’ve certainly had a few wonderful Aaaaaaah! moments, as my friend calls them, during this campaign. There was Harriet Harperson’s pink Barbie Bus, Ed’s Two Kitchens, Ed eating a bun, Ed who doesn’t listen to the news and Natalie Bennett on LBC stammering her way through a “car crash” interview. We’ve had Ed Balls failing to remember the name of his party’s biggest donor just after having dinner with him and Farage’s HIV immigrant moment. But I do believe that Ruth Cadbury, Labour candidate for Brentford and Isleworth, interviewed in Chiswick last night, is among the most extended Aaaaaaaaah! moments this election has experienced. So special is this interview that it really does bear repetition word for word to be able to savour its full flavor.

Asked by a cub reporter to respond to what is in itself both the most obvious, boring and therefore simplest question for any politician to answer (“What are the key policies in your manifesto?”), Cadbury replies as follows:

“Ummm. (Laughs). Sorry, repeat (laughs and disappears off-screen to ask aide what Labour’s key policies are while reporter repeats question. Comes into shot again giggling and sighing.)

Cadbury: “I can’t remember. Oh God, sorry (Laughs).

Reporter: “You need to check them. That’s not great.

Cadbury: “I do need to check them. I mean I’m reading them every day. Eh, eh, sorry. They, they (giggles).

Reporter: “Labour’s key policies”

Cadbury: Labour’s key policies. Um.. the absolute core policy is to balance the books and we can only, we have to, we have to balance the books. We have to support the NHS we have to ensure that our schools and our young people are, are supported and all young people can get employment. (smiles tragically).

Audience collapses in hysterics as millions of floating voters finally make up their minds.

Bookies panic across London as Cadbury’s 2/9 odds on favourite to win Brentford & Isleworth evaporate. How could anyone possibly, possibly, possibly vote for such a candidate? You couldn’t make it up.