Miliband: That debate in full.

Paxo: So people say you’re a dolt. There’s also a perception that you have no idea how to eat a bun in public. How do you respond?

Millie: Right, well let me just say, what I do in public, right, is nothing to do with anyone and if I chose to have a cup of tea in a kitchen I’d forgotten about, well that’s my affair.

Paxo: How do you answer critics who say the SNP will simply pull your strings as you dangle on the Westminster stage in front of hysterical MPs and an appalled nation day in day out if you ever formed a government?

Millie: Just let me say, that, yes, right, I don’t answer hypothetical questions. I will not answer anything that I have not been briefed about nor will I answer anything that requires a complex response or accurate statistics. But I will answer any question by telling you that our track record speaks for itself.

Paxo: But this is not a hypothetical question, this is the only possible alternative to a Conservative-led government or coalition.

Millie: Right, right, well in that case let me tell you this. Right. I have no intention of running a coalition government. It simply won’t ever happen. People have always underestimated me. Right. They said I would never stab my own brother in the back and I did. Right. They said I couldn’t possibly forget to marry my current wife for nearly six years, and I did. They said I could not possibly forget to register the name of my first born, and I did – I forgot for 16 months. So, right, people have always underestimated me, always. They said I could not lead the Labour party and they were wrong. Right.

Paxo: Yes but I asked you how would respond to the SNP pulling your strings?

Millie: Yes, well, I want to say that I have no intention of working with the SNP and that I have always been underestimated. People said I would never win an outright victory and I will. That’s not hypothetical because It’s true. You just wait and see if I don’t, and if I don’t, that won’t surprise anyone, least of all me.

Paxo: I deliberately have not asked you any difficult questions about the economy or why you bang on about the NHS despite repeated evidence that the Conservatives have no intention of implementing the swingeing cuts you accuse them of planning because I don’t think anyone can bear to hear you drone on about them for one more second, let alone the next six weeks. But I will ask you about immigration and why you and your party have suddenly gone quiet on the issue. Is there a point when, say, Britain sinks into the sea under the sheer weight of all the people trying to cram on board, that you will say  ‘enough is enough’ on immigration.

Millie: Well, I’m sorry I simply will not answer those sorts of questions because they call for ideologically unsound reasoning, populism,  decisiveness and the sort of statements which I will regret as soon as they are uttered. But above all I won’t answer because they are invariably based on scenarios on which I cannot be briefed because they are hypothetical and would put an end to pumping this country full of the sort of people who will vote Labour for generations to come as the nation becomes increasingly impoverished and public services collapse under the sheer weight of Labour voters.

Paxo: Well, David, thank you.

Millie: Thank you Jeremy. I just want to say I love the British people and have tremendous respect for the working classes. I don’t have any definite statistics on whether this love is reciprocated but I do know that despite the fact we have absolutely no policies based on anything but an envy of anyone who has anything we don’t have, I can safely say that if only my brother would promise to return to England to lead the Labour party after David Cameron has served a second term, everyone would have something to look forward to.

Paxo: Are you alright, mate?

Millie: Yes, thanks. I think so.

 

 

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