Salmond wins it for the Tories

It’s a bit like handing Labour, UKIP and the SNP loaded guns and giving them strict instructions to take aim at a single target like, for instance, the Tory party. And then laughing yourself sick as they point it at their feet and let fly. Every day brings fresh disasters for UKIP: Racism, channeling EU funds to their partners, racism, financial corruption…round and round it goes and each time Farage says something like “we’re a young party finding our feet” (after they’ve been turned into bloody stumps, presumably), before he sacks someone else.

In his latest disaster, Miliband repeatedly refused to rule out raising national insurance, the jobs tax, at PMQs, while Cameron promised not to raise VAT. Day after day Labour newspapers like the Daily Mirror and The Guardian lament Miliband’s un-electability. His two kitchens, his attempt to emulate Cameron on the school run, his pathetic performances at PMQs.

But the star of the Conservative campaign – the one weapon in its “friendly fire” armoury that consistently attacks its own, is Alex Salmond. It is becoming increasingly difficult not to believe that Salmond must actually be working for the Tory party. The former leader of the SNP and the man who assured us he would lead Scotland to independence…and failed to deliver, is clearly hell-bent on turning absolutely everyone in England against the SNP. His rants about his plans to defy the democratic process in Britain by using the 40-50 odd seats his party may win to distort the will of the British electorate is staggering. Vowing to bring down a Tory minority and install Miliband on Tuesday, one felt he had probably reached the limit of crass stupidity. But you really don’t know with him. There’s always hoping.

As if the English had not learned to despise the Scots following the vitriol that poured out of politicians and ordinary folk north of the border in the run-up to the referendum, Salmond and Sturgeon, the other aquatic politician, have used this election to drive home a wedge as permanent and far less contrived than any spurious grievances left by scores of historic Scottish-English battles that ended nearly 270 years ago with the battle of Culodden.

Any way you look at Salmond and Sturgeon’s performances, the Conservatives cannot fail to capitalize. Apart from totally alienating British voters, their threat to the democratic process – real or imagined – plays beautifully into Conservative hands. Even if the SNP succeed as kingmakers, any government deploying power aided by Scottish votes is bound to fail at Westminster. The vicious press criticism that will be deployed regarding any legislation passed with the help of the SNP will very soon force a vote of no confidence in a Labour-led government. It is inconceivable that Britain will put up with the SNP deciding any policy whatsoever in Westminster after more than a year of hatred-fuelled attacks on England. And a no-confidence vote in a Labour-SNP administration can only result in one thing. A Conservative-led government, probably with an all-out majority– obvy, as my children would say.